Unfortunately due to the weather, a car accident, and my driver's license becoming recently expired, (why didn't I notice that?!) I did not make it to KC to shoot some video. I did sit down with my roommate and record some more dilogue about some things I was missing from my interview with Haley. The up side, I have some friends (several actually) that are in some form of the arts in KC and some have volunteered to go stomping around my old neighborhood and old stomping grounds to get some pictures and videos. I also have people looking through old pictures to see if they can find some pictures of the ol'days.
My current goal is to edit my story in a way that makes an audience understand my experience. In order to do that I am explaining my background. Some of which I don't know if I should say, on something so public. There aren't many folks reading this blog so it feels pretty safe. I am becoming scared of success. I have gotten through life being fairly invisible. Success is going to equal exposure. Expose will lead to more success, as I apply for graduate school and such. My dilemma: Am I using my personal hardship and life on the margins as a commodity? Am I exploiting myself or people in similar situations?
Spending so much time contemplating, explaining and telling the story of me and how I was marginalized is making me feel increasingly different and removed from my peers at school. This is a bigger struggle because I am for the first time in my life single and 2 of my best friends moved at the end of December. I have done a lot of work creating community, but those people only know me now. They don't know the things that made me who I am. My differences now are tolerable, because I have learned to navigate this world, not because any of these people understand the world that I came from. It all makes me wish I had someone to come home to, or a shoulder to cry on.
The great thing, the story is really taking shape. I could use some hugs and hands to hold every now and again to just remind me that I am not alone in this. Any takers?
Hi Maria, I'm not sure I have much to say that will help, but I too find myself thinking sometimes if I'm using my background and situation as a trans person to get somewhere. It's weird that something can be simultaneously so marginalizing and yet also a way to have some kind of credibility. But I also wanted to say how much I appreciated the talk you gave at the UU when I was there, and that I think it's very important that you give people a window into what your reality was and is. Not sure if any of that helps, and I wish I could give you a real hug instead of a virtual one from so far away!
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