Marginalized and Isolated

Unfortunately due to the weather, a car accident, and my driver's license becoming recently expired, (why didn't I notice that?!) I did not make it to KC to shoot some video. I did sit down with my roommate and record some more dilogue about some things I was missing from my interview with Haley. The up side, I have some friends (several actually) that are in some form of the arts in KC and some have volunteered to go stomping around my old neighborhood and old stomping grounds to get some pictures and videos. I also have people looking through old pictures to see if they can find some pictures of the ol'days.

My current goal is to edit my story in a way that makes an audience understand my experience. In order to do that I am explaining my background.  Some of which I don't know if I should say, on something so public. There aren't many folks reading this blog so it feels pretty safe. I am becoming scared of success. I have gotten through life being fairly invisible. Success is going to equal exposure. Expose will lead to more success, as I apply for graduate school and such. My dilemma: Am I using my personal hardship and life on the margins as a commodity? Am I exploiting myself or people in similar situations? 

Spending so much time contemplating, explaining and telling the story of me and how I was marginalized is making me feel increasingly different and removed from my peers at school. This is a bigger struggle because I am for the first time in my life single and 2 of my best friends moved at the end of December. I have done a lot of work creating community, but those people only know me now. They don't know the things that made me who I am. My differences now are tolerable, because I have learned to navigate this world, not because any of these people understand the world that I came from. It all makes me wish I had someone to come home to, or a shoulder to cry on.

The great thing, the story is really taking shape. I could use some hugs and hands to hold every now and again to just remind me that I am not alone in this. Any takers?

Stuff I am thinking about

Today's discussion and recording. I relized when I was cutting my video that I had not talked about the biggest change in my life. It is so matter of fact to me that it didn't seem like a big deal, but it really is a huge turning point and one that came about during school. So today I recorded discussion of my developing a gay identity.

My schedule

So this schedule is sort of organic, as it has changed lots before now and I imagine it will continue to change.

This week: I will finish up the recording that I need to do. There are 2 sections of my story that I will focus on as well as talking again about some things to see if the audio ends up better. I am interviewing with a friend who knows more about me and can help to push me deeper and will help me raise issues that won't immediately come to me.

This weekend: Going to Kansas City to get some video of the neighborhood where I grew up to use as visuals when I talk about my past.

Next week: Make a new cut of the video.

Following week: Determine which theoretical stuff to cut in. Might cut in video of interviews about me.

Make lots of cuts to trim down to final video.

Telling your own story

So, I have discovered a couple of problems in telling my own story. 1.) How do I decide what pieces are important and what are not? It's all seems so relevent, but to keep people's attention it has to get trimmed down lots! 2.) I'm not the only player in my story... I just asked my ex-girlfriend how she felt about being in my movie. Not that I will mention her by name, but she is in many ways the reason that I was able to come to an identity that included my sexual orientation.

I only started to think about these issues as I started to realize the shape of my story. This Blog may turn into a place where I tell my story over and over in an attempt to get some sense of where I am going and in what order I tell my story and to help determine what is important to say. All that being said, I have made some great plans. This Sunday I am sitting down with my roommate to record some more "interview" time. Once I realized what the important parts of my story were, I realized that I hadn't talked about some of them. Accepting that I was gay at 30 is sort of a big deal in my story. I haven't talked about it, only mentioned it. That surprised me. My hope is to get another version of my video cut on Monday, or at least get as far as I can.

I also spent some time cleaning my room, I know this is sort of off topic, but I am reorganizing my furniture so that i can more easily access my walls to storyboard in a bigger way. I think I need to get the whole story out in order to determine what to trim down. This is going to look crazy. But I am getting really excited. I have always felt like there was something important in my story and until now I haven't really know what it was. I am not sure I know right now what it is, but I am sure getting closer.

The up side, I don't have to be the one who makes all the decisions of what to cut. I can just make the movie and let my classmates help me chop it up. Additionally, I have some friends in KC who are willing to help me get the video and photographic stuff I need for visuals. I think having some visual sense of the place that I came from will help frame the story.

Thinking of Identity Development

So I just had my 32 birthday and did some very fun things! I got a new tattoo, I had a big party, the first since I was ohhh 14. It was a blast. The same weekend my sorority was inducting our new class. So it was exhausting. The 2 days following I spent over 20 hours working on the next version of my video which I threw out after realizing that I had a series of soundbites and zero story. I felt so defeated! Way to end my birthday weekend. The silver lining... the bright side... I figured out the message I want to get across in my video. I have been working on it, but not sure how to get there still.

So the point of my first video was how I don't fit in, but still I am getting so much out of college. I am very intentional about my education. I felt pretty successful at getting that point across.

Video #2... Here's the story, my story. I lived in Las Vegas and I hated my life. First, I didn't like the city and I had been declined for 2 position I applied for in an attempt to get out of Vegas. On a whim applied for college. In February I got an acceptance letter. In April I found out my husband was cheating on me. I started going on 5 mile walks and doing yoga to meditate on it. I determined I needed something that was just mine. I could no longer have my happiness wrapped up in another person. I decided that school was the thing that I needed to do for me.

In school I have thought about identity development. I hated where I was in life and thought a lot about all the things that put me there. My race, gender, class and geography created a lens that made me think that I was doing all that I could. Through school I have discovered that I have many more choices and I am intentionally creating my identity, being true to all the things that are truly me.

So that is what I am going for. 10 more hours in (or so) I think that I am getting there. What do you think of the concept?

More later...